I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
