I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
