honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Can Purell be used as lube?
i already hear my dad disowning me
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
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