You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
