Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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