i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Randomize
