no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
