Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
