forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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