Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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