We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
