forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
