Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
