I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
