I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
