May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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