feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
