rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
