And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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