I'm so fucking centered right now
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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