i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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