My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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