do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
