I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
