i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
