he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
