If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm at about main and main street
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
