Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
