Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You have to summon your inner elephant
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
