I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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