You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
