I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
