I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
