i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Semen is not good for contacts.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
