My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
