If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
