god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
