6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
