I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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