I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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