I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
