I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
i believe in u and ur pee
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
