Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
We named our party play list daddy issues
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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