guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
