I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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