Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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