Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
