ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
