The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
