I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
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