I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
