Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
